February 2011
38 posts
January 2011
35 posts
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In regards to a conversation that the wife and I...
(A dank, windowless office with frayed and yellowed wallpaper. The only item hung on the walls is a calendar that is two months behind. In a corner, sits an oscillating fan, swaying and clicking in time. In the middle of the room, slumped over the keys of a baby grand piano, is STANLEY HANZ, a sweaty, distraught man in his mid 30’s. On top of the piano sits a cold pizza covered in olives. Music...
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“I’m gonna go home and eat while I poop. Amisexyforyoubigboy?”
– Filed under: Things my wife has emailed me to spice up our marriage
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30 Day Shred: Day One
FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
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I'm listed in Tumblweeds under jokjajsldkjf
I’m listed in Tumblweeds, a user-generated community directory that rates Tumblr bloggers by their number of followers. Find me listed in #jokjajsldkjf
I couldn’t let you be the only one.
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Truthful Tuesday
I’m fat.
Well, let me take that back. I’m chubby (which sounds worse somehow). I’m 5’8” and I weigh about 40-50 pounds more than I should* but I hide it pretty well. I used to jog every day and play drums in a punk band for a few hours twice a week. Now, I sit at my work desk and daydream about chocolate covered ice cream sandwiches dipped in nacho cheese. All of...
When we finally sit and tell our grandchildren about this, tonight will hence forth be known as the night that we snuck beer into the dollar theatre and watched Burlesque with our friends.
I'M GOING TO EAT MY GLASS ANYWAY
One more because I can.
Propagandhi - Less Talk, More Rock. Every single tour, out of town show, and road trip has not officially started until we listen to this at least once all the way through.
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Top 5 Albums that Most Vividly Evoke a Specific...
1.) Bad Religion - Stranger Than Fiction (It is also the first cd that I ever bought for myself and the album that I learned to play guitar to.)
2.) Silverchair - Neon Ballroom (When my father passed away, I lived on cranberry juice and this album for a week without leaving the bed. My next tattoo will be this cd art.)
3.) Ac/Dc - Highway To Hell (Any Ac/Dc album would do but this one especially...
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I'm glad it wasn't me. I still have my copy.
Back in September, I checked out the copy of David Sedaris’ live readings cd from our local library. I turned it back in before my time was up (a rare feat) and thought nothing more of it.
I just received a call from the library regarding it:
Librarian: Chris? This is the library. Back in September, you checked out the David Sedaris cd and I have a question for you.
Me: Ok. Shoot.
...
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Awwwwwww yeah Tmobile up in this bitch! ….wait…Just Verizon?
Shit.
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Truthful Tuesday
In middle school, I thought about starting a band called LETHARGY! because I thought it sounded cool but I never made any effort towards actually doing it.
The irony was completely lost on me until much later in life.
28 and 5/6ths.
I could explain what happened but it would take...
What I actually said: “Thank you for calling the clinic I work in, my name is Chris, How can I help you?”
What was going on in my head while I was talking: “Thank you for calling don’t say pubic the clinic don’t say pubic I work in don’t say pubic, my name is Chris don’t say pubic, how can I help you pubic pubic pubic pubicpubic?”
Sometimes it is...
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What I learned by getting super drunk at a pool...
Pitchers are cheaper than buying beer for two people but you still have to share with the other person. Beer can get you just as drunk as mixed drinks if you consume enough to wade in. After you get to a certain level of drunkeness, your friends will automatically start filling you with more beer to see what happens. Sugar cookies and bud light is surprisingly good (especially if they are shaped...
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But seriously. This is a true news story we just...
We’re laying in bed watching the local news and they report a story of a guy dressed as a mummy standing in people’s front yards in a neighborhood at night. My guess is that the mummy was just looking to *puts on sunglasses* wrap their house.
Irrational thing I hate or how Pee Wee's Big...
There are very few things that I can say that I out and out hate (besides any show on TruTV that isn’t COPS or Bait Car, onions, or the way a new shirt smells), but I cannot stand Deep In The Heart of Texas.
This song is everything I hate about living here all rolled up into a 4 minute hit parade of misery. The lyrics really hammer home that Texas should probably just change it’s name...
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Work conversations that aren't really...
Me: <cough> <cough> <sneeze> <sniffle> <gross>
Coworker: <turns toward me> Are you feeling under the weather?
Me (thinking): What does that even mean? What are we considering “weather” in this phrase? Is weather just what is in the sky, like clouds? If so, aren’t we always under the weather? Or are we taking other things into account as well,...
