Posted 1 day ago

How do you solve a problem like Maria? Because she is kind of a bitch.

I was brushing my teeth a few minutes ago and while I was looking in the mirror at my disgusting troll face, I was reminded of the worst “compliment” I was ever given.

Back in the myspace days, I received a random add from someone whose name I recognized but I couldn’t remember who she was. It turns out, it was my elementary school “girlfriend”. (We dated for like two weeks in fifth grade which just means that we were field trip partners. Things were pretty serious.)

Anyway, she asked how life had turned out for me and I the same for her. Just general catching up kinds of things and then she told me:

"Man, it is so weird that you grew up to the doppelganger for Andrew Lloyd Webber. You look so much like him, it is crazy! Like, you look so much like him, you could play him in a movie.”

I knew there was a reason I never called her during those two weeks.

Posted 2 days ago

Living within walking distance to a Mexican meat market and having an awesome pit has advantages. 3 pounds of drumsticks, a pound of jalapeño sausage, 3 leg quarters, and 2 pounds of fajita beef. Food for the rest of the week is complete. Say hello to my Meat Box.

Posted 2 days ago

When it comes to charcoal lighter fluid, “Never apply liquid to lighted fire or hot coals” is one of those rules that seems like it is okay to ignore. I mean, how else am I going to burn off my eyelashes?

Posted 3 days ago

papa-midnight:

Giant Drag - Wicked Game

World was on fire and no one could save me but you

Giant Drag! Man, I was super into them for a while like ten(?) years ago? Annie Hardy just seems like the coolest people.

Posted 4 days ago

Is “doctor office feet” a thing? Because that is where I am.
For an appointment.
For my junk.
I just paid $35 for a man to squeeze my junk.

Pretty cheap actually.

Posted 1 week ago

In case you wanted to know what Texas is like, this is in my college’s parking lot. Someone drove this to school.

Posted 1 week ago

THEY JUST SANG THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

Posted 1 week ago

OH GOD THERE IS A CHRISTIAN COUNTRY BAND OUT HERE

Posted 1 week ago

I am severely underprepared.

I am sitting in my truck on the beach. I’m going to be doing a 3mile walk on the beach for Alzheimer’s (before you think I am too altruistic, I am doing it so I don’t have to write a paper for class). My thought process was, i’ll walk a bit, i’ll catch up on podcasts, it’ll be great.

What is actually happening is that it is raining and everyone here is in full workout gear like they are going to be running a marathon. I’m wearing a t-shirt and sandals. I’m going to be judged so hard by these middle aged women. :(

Posted 1 week ago

hellabanter:

LETS OPEN THIS FUCKING PIT UP

(Source: sizvideos)